Peace and Disquiet
It is difficult living in a split household. As the new spouse I see the children behave in a very different way with each parental member of their mother's and father's households. The most striking and damaging concept is that of a lack of rules/stability/consistency... call it what you will. The effect of this is that the children learn there are different rules in the different households. Almost immediately they learn to manipulate their parents.
Now all children manipulate their parents. It is a normal course of nature. However, usually mom and dad talk about what their children are doing and are able to rein in their children in a firm but loving way. This allows the child to ever push the boundaries, without free-falling into an anarchy filled void of misinformation and chaos.
In a split household there are additional difficulties. In the best case scenario, mom and dad still communicate and make an attempt to be civil. However, there are still the little digs. There are still the attempts to slightly put down the other parent and raise oneself to a higher level of popularity and love with ones children. Yes, popularity. That is the sad fact. We compete for our children's love.
These problems build. A recognition that there are no set rules (because mom's rules are different than dad's, and neither enforces the others) will build into a contempt for the rules at home. This leads to a contempt for school rules and eventually a contempt for the law. The child decides that if they do not like, believe in, or want to follow the rule or law, they are not obligated to do so. When caught, the child does not act with remorse and an effort to change, but with belligerence and a belief that they are being persecuted unjustly.
Once life has proceeded this far, and the child is 16 or 17 years old, what can be done?
Obviously the child's parents must intervene, but how? Do the stepparents (who at this point have been threatened and told off in their own homes) try to be involved in this process? When the children become violent, does one summon the police?
I do not have the answer. I wish I did. Because all in all, this is a good kid. He deserves a future that is happy and bright.
Now all children manipulate their parents. It is a normal course of nature. However, usually mom and dad talk about what their children are doing and are able to rein in their children in a firm but loving way. This allows the child to ever push the boundaries, without free-falling into an anarchy filled void of misinformation and chaos.
In a split household there are additional difficulties. In the best case scenario, mom and dad still communicate and make an attempt to be civil. However, there are still the little digs. There are still the attempts to slightly put down the other parent and raise oneself to a higher level of popularity and love with ones children. Yes, popularity. That is the sad fact. We compete for our children's love.
These problems build. A recognition that there are no set rules (because mom's rules are different than dad's, and neither enforces the others) will build into a contempt for the rules at home. This leads to a contempt for school rules and eventually a contempt for the law. The child decides that if they do not like, believe in, or want to follow the rule or law, they are not obligated to do so. When caught, the child does not act with remorse and an effort to change, but with belligerence and a belief that they are being persecuted unjustly.
Once life has proceeded this far, and the child is 16 or 17 years old, what can be done?
Obviously the child's parents must intervene, but how? Do the stepparents (who at this point have been threatened and told off in their own homes) try to be involved in this process? When the children become violent, does one summon the police?
I do not have the answer. I wish I did. Because all in all, this is a good kid. He deserves a future that is happy and bright.
posted by Stoic Stranger at 9:16 AM
1 Comments:
I like your blog. Are you bipolar or is it schizoaffective disorder or something like that? And is there any particular reason you stopped the medication? I know you don't want to identify yourself, but a little more information on some of the diagnosis/family issues would allow for more intelligent (and, I hope, helpful) comments. Does your psychopharmacologist know you've stopped taking your medication?
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